Seedy Happenings

Last Christmas I bought my mom a Groupon for a 1hr deep tissue massage.  I got the massage because my mom is plagued with a GinorMous heart, always giving, giving, giving and rarely taking time for herself.  My mom also does have a slight massage phobia: “Oh, I don’t know it’s weird.  You lay there naked and some stranger touches you.”   However, I am the daughter that always likes to encourage her to venture out and try new things.  After all, who doesn’t like a massage?

Today I receive this voice-mail, “I am standing outside of this seedy massage place. Where in the heck did you send me?  There is just a door that says ‘By appointment only’. I knocked twice. No answer. Now I’m in the car and don’t know what to do. Oh my God, I’m gonna kill you. ”

Two hours later, I return her call. “How was your massage?” I manage to ask through a fit of laughter.  She laughs back, “The massage? The massage, oh well let me tell you how the massage was…let’s see I was sitting in the car just about to drive away when this lady appears.  She looked like a massage therapist, so I thought what the heck? I got out of the car and followed her through the door. The inside is not much better than the outside, just a small dark room with a table in the middle that smells like mildew or something. The lady asks me if I’d like to go to the bathroom before we begin. I tell her I think that’s a good idea. I go to the bathroom, turn on the light and I’m greeted by a big smelly sh*t in the toilet bowl.”

I stop her here and really start laughing.  “Oh man seriously?” I ask.

“YESSS!!! I flush the turd and now have to take off my clothing.  The lady told me to take off only what I felt comfortable with.  So I left on my shoes, underwear and bra.  When I get back into the room I have to lay down with my head in that hole thingy. So I do and when I open my eyes I find a dog bed right there under my nose. (Insert disgusted huff noise).”  I snort back in response hardly able to contain myself, tears now rolling down my face.  My mom is not a dog person, great with kids but no love lost when it comes to pets.  The idea of her having to lay there with her sneakers on and stare at a dog bed for an hour is beyond funny.

“As you know dogs aren’t my thing, I swear there was a hair in my mouth the whole time.”  She continues to tell me little colorful bits of her spa experience as I laugh like a school girl.  She makes sure to tell me at the end that the lady did a nice job.  When she is finished I ask, “Mom, why did you keep your shoes on?”

“So I could run out of there if I had to.”

Born to Run,

A Warrior Princess



3 comments on “Seedy Happenings

  1. Anonymous says:


  2. KR says:

    if you get me for xmas exchange and hand me a groupon…expect anthrax post card in the new year 🙂

  3. Joe K. says:

    This is an amazing story!

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