
Picture found on: http://www.americanprogress.org
On Mondays during the summer I am a monster. Literally, I transform into a cranky, tired gremlin whose tolerance for life’s bullshit is non-existent. Sometimes I find myself driving my teeth so far into my tongue that the rusty taste of blood swirls around as a reminder to refrain from answering everyday trite questions with nasty, cynical replies. These are the negative effects of working a second job and not getting my proper rest.
It was on such a Monday just after depositing my tip money that I was flagged down by a 5’2 butterball of a woman.
“Excuse me, Excuse me,” she pleaded as I walked towards my office.
Mustering up my last drop of compassion, I turned to her.
“Ma’am, you must help me. I have four kids and no wallet today, no credit card. They are very hungry and…”
As she continued with her tale of woe I kept looking at her round carcass, listening more to the extra flaps of skin slab against each other, than to what she was saying. I started to think- Sister you sure as hell aren’t missing any meals and I work 7 days a week…- until I remembered the words of my writing mentor: nobody is above you and nobody is below you.
I reached into my wallet and watched as her pudgy hands wrapped around my hard earned five dollar bill. She expressed her gratitude by walking away and tossing a thank you over her shoulder. I almost drew a loogie and spat it back at her. Instead, I returned to my cube feeling irate at the whole bloody situation.
* * *
That night after work I got Thai take out for dinner. Instead of going home, I dared myself to be social and eat outside in Rittenhouse. It was a dare because I was wearing a dress and didn’t have a blanket, which meant I would have to eat on a park bench. I don’t particularly like busy parks where the benches are staggered across from each other because I always feel like I’m being watched.
For this reason, I strategically picked out the last bench in the row in a section that had five other available benches. As I unpacked my food I heard the unabashed laughter of two little kids playing hide-and-go-seek; the type of laughter that escalates onto itself so that when one child stops to catch their breath, the other one begins giggling again. I picked at my food feeding off the children’s joy, realizing they were the reason I came.
And just then a man decided to sit on the bench directly in front of me. I kept my eyes on my food, the birds and the children as I noticed him in my peripheral reaching for a cigarette. Jesus H. Christ, I thought to myself, WHY must you pick that bench to sit on? And must you pollute my airl!! I munched away at my food reminding myself that asking ‘why’ of others is often a fruitless task. When I reached my chopsticks back into the bowl I felt a weird burning sensation like direct sunbeams on me. I looked at the bench and found the man staring at me with an unapologetic grin. He sat there leaned back with his legs spread open; one hand held a cigarette and the other was making circular movements on his crotch.
The only reaction I had was this thought: Welp, there is your answer. Man picks bench directly across from you so he can masturbate while you eat your food. Wonderful.
Cold Food,
A Warrior Princess
Welp…I’m never going to that park again…
variety is the spice of life…and you have a hysterical way of telling your stories.
That would never happen in Charleston. Hard to find good Thai food:)
.. might have to relocate to Charleston, then, eh?
Finally able to catch up on your blogs. I must say…some of them truly do make my day that much better after a good, hard laugh. Keep being awesome Juls, you’re a warrior.
thats a great story. reminds me of the time rob henning went to the bathroom in vietnam and some dude next to him started whacking it right next to him. in a holy temple no less! wish i could be out there to see you guys for your brother’s wedding. youll see me in january tho. miss you all!
errrgggg….days like that, Julia, are the ones that make me happy for tomorrow. “C’mon tomorrow! This day sucks!” I scream. But you have a great way of telling your stories, Julia….makes me go right into your head….
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